Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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