ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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