did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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