I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
