Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
