I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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