I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I look better un-naked...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
