the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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