someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
