I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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