even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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