He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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