this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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