I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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