just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
