I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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