Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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