Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
