1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
