I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i will never coherently bang her
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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