And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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