there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
