Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
