True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
