How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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