i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
