Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
