I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
