You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When are your genitals available?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
