i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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