Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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