My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
