Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
