I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
