I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
