Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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