I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
