dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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