my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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