dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
