stop calling my apartment porn island.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
