chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
