i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just pee around me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
