I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
