In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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