If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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