I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
