Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
