I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize