my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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