im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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