Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
