yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
