We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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