he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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