I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
