That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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