my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
