My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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