I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
